Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

Some days are worse than others

Attire:

Some days are worse than others

Resting Heart Rate:

Some days are worse than others

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, 3200mg ibuprophen, 1 pill percoset, 1500mg amoxicillin, 40ml chlorhexidine gluconate .12% mouthwash, food

Dream:

Some days are worse than others

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Some days are worse than others

Other Comments:

Some days are worse than others

Have You Been Saved?

Some days are worse than others

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Black leggings, long black skirt, yellow and brown shirt, bra.

Resting Heart Rate:

74 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

alfredo, chips and salsa, lemonade, chocolate, little bit of gin, anise liquor, popcorn

Dream:

I don’t remember my dream. There was a cardboard cutout of an animated judge.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Made theater with friends, bought food.

Other Comments:

Art is stupid and no one should make it.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Pronoun today:

She/her

Thoughts on the last few days:

Today is my birthday. I turned 24. Strange, but an irrelevant year. Last week my sister turned 18. Much stranger. I got to sleep yesterday, and saw friends at Swarthmore. My work life is winding down, I actually have time some days. I don’t have as much money to show for it as I wished I did, but I get paid on Friday, and hopefully it will all be worth it. I have debts to pay off, to Naia, who loaned me money, to Josh, who fronted the money for the show. I was dreaming of buying a car, but I think it was a dream. I am eating poorly again, although not feeling incredibly depressed. I wish Naia were here. Then we would eat food together. We would have to go through that whole “what do you want to eat tonight? I don’t know” bullshit, but it would end in meals, eaten together, as a token of love. Naia made a suggestion that the last live performance of TDB should be a marriage ceremony. A fake ceremony, but since they said it, I’ve been imagining getting married. It feels nice some days. I kind of want to live just the two of us some days. I kind of want a stable job so we can have a house. I saw three friends today. Two who I feel romantic towards, in very different ways. Tomorrow I meet this girl I met online. We were planning on having a picnic, but instead we’ll be meeting at a bar late at night. I am terrified that I can’t be as interesting in person as I am online. I am terrified we will have nothing to talk about, because she is not a theater artist. I talk so much more easily to theater artists. I should clean my room, in case it goes well. My romantic life is blossoming for the first time in a long time. Me and Naia haven’t really had to deal with me having serious, consistent romantic or sexual entanglements. I think if it goes well with Cinderella (what I’m calling the person I’m meeting), it will actually make me and N stronger. I will prove to them that I come home to them. I feel more consistently and happily feminine recently. Two or three days ago, I corrected a boss/supervisor who used the wrong pronoun. I have never done that before.

Dream:

Murder. A tall building.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

149 lbs

Attire:

green cargo pants, black tank top, black bra for part of the day (put it on partway through rehearsal), green jacket, converse

Resting Heart Rate:

72 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

naked juice, nuts, crackers with peanut butter, hummus, tahini, isreali salad on pita with feta, root beer, beer, candy, 100 mg spironolactone, 44mg estrogen

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

5, mostly at work

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, wrote some words, am going to bed before 12.

Other Comments:

Self-injecting is so much harder the more alone you are. I went to Ames and Hannah’s room because I couldn’t put the needle in alone.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

140 lbs

Attire:

Most of day: thin grey pajama pants, no underwear, purple camisole. Later in day: purple leggings, black and gold sarong-thing, blue shirt with pigeon. Going to theater: purple leggings, brown panties, long black skirt, hippie pink shirt, doc martens, peacoat. Right now: brown panties, brown slip.

Resting Heart Rate:

72 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Carrots and peanut butter, BOCA fake chicken patty, popcorn, chocolate, multivitamin, sip of whiskey.

Dream:

I remember two moments: in the first part, I am removing pimples from my back. Once I remove two big ones, a small balloon of blood inflates out of my skin, around a centimeter in diameter. The blood is heavily clotted, and I can’t break the bubble without grasping both sides of it with my fingernails and pulling it apart, which releases liquid blood from inside the bubble. Later, I purchase a small sparrow, and I am trying to find a cage to keep it in. I hold the sparrow tightly within my hands, trying not to crush it, but not letting it escape, as I run around an outdoor Walmart, but all of the cages have bars that are too wide. The bird is small, and will escape whatever I put it in. I want to make a cage, but I have to put the bird down to do it, and I do not trust anyone else to hold it like I do.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

A fascinating exchange with two middle-aged female ushers at the show I was seeing. One complimented my hair, the second one my skirt, saying “I was looking at the bottom of his ensemble. You know, I once knew a guy…” the first stopped her, saying “he might be transgendered.” I said that I was, that they should call me “she” (felt easier than trying to explain non-binary to them). They were distracted by other patrons, then the second one returns to me and says, “I’m learning all the time. I knew a guy, the guy I was talking about. I think he was” then almost conspiratorially, “married.” I respond, “Yeah, that happens.”

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Unpacked, set up my room.

Other Comments:

Saw FEST at FringeArts. Fascinating show. Highly sexually explicit, the most explicit show I’ve ever seen. Having a non-simulated blowjob did not destroy or distract from the show. It is possible to make this kind of work, if handled well.

Have You Been Saved?

Nope.

Weight:

141 lbs

Attire:

Grey yoga pants, black leggings, white underwear, red bra with breast forms, ripped Explosions In The Sky t-shirt, blue sweater hoodie

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Pasta, banana, black bean burger, fried potatoes, milk, pink lemonade with seltzer, peanut butter, two large swigs of run straight from the bottle.

Dream:

Don’t remember

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

10, in rapid succession, at night, wondering what I’m doing with my life and why I can’t even find the energy to wash my dishes or fill out this stupid questionnaire.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Rehearsed and made pieces for This Damned Body Is Fucking Disgusting.

Other Comments:

I’ve been extremely depressed this week, but I didn’t really realize it until last night, lying in bed, trying to decide to move, not able to update the website because I’m too broken. I’m updating this in the morning after. Don’t tell God.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Black jeans (faded), red halter top, grey sweater, peacoat, then hooded felt duster, doc martens.

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Omelette and toast, black bean burger, french fries, peas, apple with peanut butter, pasta with vodka sauce, cheddar cheese, lemonade, vitamin water thing, cheetos.

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0. It’s been a good stretch of days.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Spent time with Naia (filmed us having sex for some reason), bought more clothes that I can wear in wintertime, slept.

Other Comments:

It’s late and I don’t care.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

red sheer top, flowy black pants, things for warmth, breasts, makeup.

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

chips and salsa, fried rice with tofu, candy, sake

Dream:

I remember wanting to forget, and hanging lighting equipment on strands of human hair.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0. A good day.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Finished a grant for my work. Talked to my parents and had a casual conversation with them.

Other Comments:

I want to start wearing perfume. Trying to figure out where I can steal it from…

Have You Been Saved?

No.