Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

ANSWER

Attire:

Green skinny jeans, sheer red shirt, docs, sweater, hooded coat

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Hot chocolate, crescant, pita with hummus, Israeli salad, feta, sweet tarts, cheese crackers with peanut butter, diet Pepsi

Dream:

Queer Robocop

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2, by coworkers

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

one, complex: I realized the main places where I work are right by the places I do mental health betterment. The Wilma is right by my therapist’s office, the Walnut is right by the Mazzoni Center, Swarthmore is where my friends live, and, I thought, FringeArts is by the river, where I will drown myself.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

went to my intake appointment at Mazzoni. I spoke with a social worker, told her my history, my development of my realization that I was queer, this project. I asked her questions, got the names of some support groups, a laser hair remover. She said she would give me some pamphlets about freezing sperm, but we both forgot. She asked me questions. She was kind. I was eloquent. I can walk out of that building hormones in hand tomorrow.

Other Comments:

exhausted. Tomorrow, me and some friends will gather and I will toast to myself and we will begin my new life together. I just wish I didn’t have to work that night.

Have You Been Saved?

Not yet

Weight:

141 lbs

Attire:

Nice black dress, leggings, etc

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Macaroni and cheese and some snacks today.

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

6, four of which were noticed and apologized for

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Went to a rehearsal for someone else’s show. Perhaps starting to make friends there. They’re calling me by female pronouns, at my request. I haven’t decided how I feel about it. Maybe it will feel right in time, but right now it feels like I’m in impostor.

Other Comments:

The Mazzoni Center accidentally rescheduled my intake appointment from this afternoon to March 12 (when I had to reschedule my follow-up from a while back, I talked to the receptionist about moving both appointments to the same day, and March 12 was the next day that could happen. We decided to spread the appointments out over two days, but I guess she accidentally changed the intake date). I started crying at the desk. I felt overwhelmed by the idea of waiting two more weeks. And Naia was coming. And I just was done waiting. We were able to squeeze me in tomorrow, by some miracle. E-Day is still on the 25.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

146 lbs

Attire:

black tank top, green shorts, sandals, sweater-hoodie

Resting Heart Rate:

I don’t think so

Food and Medicine Intake:

rice and beans, 100mg spironolactone, other shit.

Dream:

A complicated, nesting affair. In the primary dream, my family is in LA, but my parents keep disappearing to do things, and me and my sister are alone. Something about a bus trip or a bike trip to a specific strip mall with a good asian resturant, but we don’t go, I only see it in theory. I am making enormous quantities of macaroni and cheese and eating it all. I want to touch my sisters, but am holding myself back. We play a game where one person asks another a question, and, using that question as a clue, the second person guesses the first one’s dream. Faith asks me if me and a girl from camp named Quinn had ever had a relationship. I tell her no, but we’d had crushes on each other, then see her dream, us at camp, a storm coming, playing Egyptian Rat Screw and solving a murder mystery together. Then I ask her how accurate that guess was, but she makes Rose guess first. As Rose sullenly refuses to talk, I remember my dream from the night before. I am in a large, falling apart tower that is a library that is above a wallgreens. There is a large MagicTG tournament happening on all the floors, and I am walking from one to the other telling them to start. It takes me forever to climb all the stairs. On the second-to-top floor, the players are covered in mud, standing around an area of the floor that they’ve covered with dirty papers, on which they’ve written foreign swear words and slurs. There is shit on the papers. They say that they did it because the story of the cards told them to. I am suddenly inside the world of the most recent set of Magic cards. The country is desolate and destroyed, oppressed and controlled by dragons. I am talking to a revolutionary. I say to her there is no way that we can win a guerrilla fight against the dragons. The only way to save the blasted landscape is instigating a full scale civil war. We weigh this thought, try to calculate how many innocents would die in the war. How many years of oppression it will be before the government kills that many people anyway. Whether it’s worth it. And suddenly I’m back in the tower, talking to my college freshman roommate’s girlfriend. She is saying that she’s back at graduation to take a look at the old dorm we both used to live in. Isn’t it crazy that we’ve changed this much? As we talk, we kiss sweetly and hold each other.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Fucking so many, dude. So many

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

3

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, that’s kind of it.

Other Comments:

Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

Some days are worse than others

Attire:

Some days are worse than others

Resting Heart Rate:

Some days are worse than others

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, 2800mg ibuprophen, 3 pills percoset, 1500mg amoxicillin

Dream:

Some days are worse than others

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Some days are worse than others

Other Comments:

Some days are worse than others

Have You Been Saved?

Some days are worse than others

Pronoun today:

She/her

Changes noticed:

Happiness still. NAIA asked “who are you?” while I sung them a song about a butterfly, because I was so suddenly (in just a couple days) so joyful

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

none explicitly in my hearing

Dream:

2 parts, first I am swimming holding a surfboard with two other people. Behind us is a shark. It bites onto one of the parties’ surfboards and hangs on, then swims up to me and bites my arm. But it didn’t hurt, because it had no teeth. It gummed ineffectively on my arm and I keep swimming. In the second part, I am dating Phoebe, but she breaks up with me with a letter handwritten on a Manila envelope. The letter is confusing and baroquely written, and the room I am in is loud and my father is yelling at me and I don’t understand why this woman doesn’t love me, and I go outside to try to read it. There, my sister’s mother in law (who I’ve never met) is sitting in a car and says something transphobic, and we have a large argument, during which she accuses me of hurting her by making her want to kill and cannibalize me.

People I Talked to Today:

A large number. Alec Maddie Naia Josh, then a potential subletter, then Paul and Nate (who live together at a place I’m staying), then an artist who’s show I might be working on, then Faith and Micah over the phone, then went to a party where I talked to 20 more people

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

God, umm, 7

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

went and was social at a party, biked a lot.

Other Comments:

love

Have You Been Saved?

No, I don’t think so

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

different cargo shorts depending on how many times I’ve changed clothes (sweating a lot), striped shirt, then blue pigeon shirt, doc martens then sandals, then a costume: bra with giant flowers, boyshorts with flowers, gaff, robe.

Resting Heart Rate:

I’m gonna lie and say 400bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

cashews, pasta, banana, probably some other shit, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Moved to West Philadelphia. Carried my belongings alone into a beautiful old house, took a nap on the couch, performed a show, made a potential scene order for Fucking Disgusting

Other Comments:

No

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

red sheer top, flowy black pants, things for warmth, breasts, makeup.

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

chips and salsa, fried rice with tofu, candy, sake

Dream:

I remember wanting to forget, and hanging lighting equipment on strands of human hair.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0. A good day.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Finished a grant for my work. Talked to my parents and had a casual conversation with them.

Other Comments:

I want to start wearing perfume. Trying to figure out where I can steal it from…

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

146 lbs

Attire:

stripy shirt and pockety pants and other stuff also

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Pizza, potato chips, rice, cheese sandwhich, chocolate, 400mg ibuprofen, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

I’m inside a movie. I’m on the moon, in the military, investigating the corpse of a massive alien. The spirit of the alien possesses our squadron, and we become drones, returning to earth to do its bidding. Naia tries to fuck the alien out of me, and it sort of works.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

4

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money.

Other Comments:

Uncontrollable hiccups today. I got these the day or two after my last shot, too. Is this a side effect? Also, someone stole 100 dollars from me through paypal. Like an asshole.

Have You Been Saved?

No